Its been a really long time. I doubt i'll post much anymore, i'm just too busy plus i'm too ashamed of myself and how fat i am. I make my parents lives hell just because i hate the world, i love them so much, i wish i could just tell them how sorry i am. but again, i'm too stubborn and stupid to just tell them this, so i write it here where they will never see it, just to get it out of my head.
I wish everyone suffering from this disease would get better. I wish that they could be happy in their own bodies and that they would love their life. Our world is so screwed up, the kindest people can die in an instant, but people like me can still just throw their lives away and not even think about the consequences. I don't want to make the people i love suffer anymore, i love them more than i love myself right now, and for them i will try to be happy.
I hope everyone like me has someone they love more than the world its self, and i hope that, even when it feels impossible, even in your darkest moments, you will think of them and try to make their world a little better.
xo

so far today i've had 4 green tea pills, 3 glasses of green tea, and about 400 calories. i'm sick and my head hurts so much, but i don't want to take tylenol or anything on an empty stomach. I'm finally getting back on track but i've wasted so much time and hard work. I can't even believe what i've let myself get to, but that's in the past, now i have all the motivation i need... summer in 12 weeks. I'm 5'11 and my goal is to be at least 125 by then, hopefully 120 or lower. Right now that's a long way away, i have to loose about 25 pounds to get there.
hope you're all doing well!!

this week was bad... i need my control back!

I hate exams, they're stressing me out so much, and i just can't seem to lose any weight right now. I feel disgusting. On top of that, the guy i've liked forever is going to ask out one of my best friends, he doesn't even know i exist. No wonder, my friends are all so much prettier than me, not only that but they're just better, they have better personalities, everything. I'm messed up. I wish i could be as happy as them.

How the hell did i gain 15 effing pounds! How did I let my binging go so far, it's like I've just woken up and realized how fat i've gotten. I was 135 in the summer (i'm 5'11) so close to my goal! Then after sunmmer I don't know what happened, I just got so busy with school exc. I'm worse off now than when I ate normally. Oh my what have I done. I have to say my main motivation right now is the Ford Supermodel of the World contest. Its on YouTube, they pick the winner today. These girls, all around my age, they seem so impossibly happy, and are getting such great opportunities, and they are sooo skinny, I mean, I have a pretty messed up vision of whats skinny, but these girls are skinny. I wish I could be one of them.

This is one of my favorites
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD1Il6sAqqY

I ate dinner, then weighed myself, then freaked out and purged for like the 3rd time in my life and now i'm spitting up blood, not a lot, but a fair bit... is this normal? My throat hurts a little but it's not too bad...

Does anyone know how to fake sick... convincingly so my mom will let me stay home from school tommorow. I have a stupid presentation to do that i found out about today, and when i do presentations i just freak out. I have no control over it, i go up trying to be confident, then i feel my face going red, then i start shaking, then i start stuttering... exc. Extreme stage fright, i hate it. I'm not even done the project i have to present. Plus i binged today so i'll be extra fat when i go up. Besides that i have a whole chapter of trig i have to finish tonight and i have no clue how to do it... i hate school, i don't know how people say that these are the best days of your life.

I feel like a total failure right now.
I'm so depressed, school starts monday, I hate school! I've seriously been just wallowing in self pity in all day because I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like I have the energy to do anything... school is so hard right now, and exams start in 2 weeks, i'm going to have to study for biology, chemistry and math. not good at all. I suck at chemistry and math, i'm going to be soooo stressed out, and it's not like there's anything to look forward to after I get all that over with. I'm just so depressed, it feels like nothing matters, I don't want to do anything. I just want to give up.
I'm so dissapointed with myself, I was planning to really restrict this week, but I've ended up binging. I'm stupid and fat.

Just some things i thought were pretty interesting
if you want to read the whole article.......http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,1835485,00.html

..."Victoria Beckham's case, her 'thimage' has become a life raft for a sinking career. As one of her friends pointed out recently, 'Her figure is her career and with the spotlight constantly on her, she says she has to watch her weight very carefully. She doesn't care if some people think she's gone too far.'

If anything, she has come out fighting: 'I haven't got an eating disorder,' she snapped the other day, 'I'm just disciplined about what I eat.' But my, what discipline! Really, it's hard not to be impressed. Most of us would buckle after 10 minutes on her punishing regime. She chews for ages. She quizzes waiters to have them remove butter, oil and salad dressings from her plate. She doesn't eat portions that can't fit into the palm of her hand, 'as that's the same size as her stomach'. She only eats fruit till 3pm and then limits her intake to 500 calories for the rest of the day.

It's possible - as Dr Dee Dawson points out - that Posh doesn't have an eating disorder in the medical sense; anorexia and bulimia are, after all, psychiatric conditions characterised by a host of pathological behaviours and beliefs way beyond the normal range. While she displays plenty of these, she also has enough control and awareness to calibrate her food intake when she wants a child and then rein her appetite back in when she wants to dump the baby fat. According to the friend, 'Victoria knows that she'll have to start eating carbs if she has any hope of conceiving [a fourth baby].' Could you ask for a more revealing take on modern life?

While Victoria admits she has 'come close' to an eating disorder, other celebrities are more candid."...
I think i'm going to try Victoria Beckham's diet...

The article also says the weights of ....
Victoria Beckham - 7st 10lb/108 pounds
Lindsay Lohan - 7st 8lb/106 pounds (at lowest?)
Hilary Duff - 7st 7lb/105 pounds
Mischa Barton - 7st 5lb/103 pounds
Nicole Richie - 6st 9lb/93 pounds

uggg..... i'm trying to download a stupid fashion television podcast onto my ipod and it's said 12 minutes left for the past like...15 minutes! I want to go to bed but I want the podcast more, sooo..... quick question, they changed the livejournal posting layout a while back, and I want to post pictures but I don't see anything for posting them...anyone know how to?

It's a wierd feeling, I found this site almost exactly a year ago today. So much has changed but when I think about it it feels like just yesterday. I'm kinda scared, because I don't want to live my whole life like this, and I know, a year is nothing, but I don't want to stop either, I want to be able to look in the mirror and think I look good. I knoe its naive, for most people here, no matter how thin we get we will never be happy with ourselves. I just hope when I get to my goal I will be happy with myself and i'll be able to just be happy. It's just wierd because looking back I never thought I would end up here, it's been a rollercoaster but you guys are great, I feel like I belong here. It's amazing how easy it is to just talk about anything to strangers, but I can relate to you guys more than most people in my life. I really hope all of you will be happy with yourselves one day, and that I can be too.

It's 4:55 in the morning and i've been up all night doing a stupid biology CPT............ i'm not that tired but i think i better go to bed soon. I'm so stressed, i have to finish this project now because i have 2 unit tests next week and theres going to be no time to study or finish this stupid project... and i still have barely started my christmas shopping. Life was good today until i went to a christmas party.... i ate a lot.... thank god i skipped lunch and dinner or i'd be freaking out even more right now. Christmas is so close. I'm happy but kinda scared of all the food, don't really know what to do about that since there are seriously going to be over 40 family people and friends exc. at this chrismas and i'm not going to have a moment alone. I better go to bed! goodnight!!

Today, at lunch I was sitting with a group of friends and somehow we got onto the topic of how much we weigh. I woldn't tell, way too embarassing, and another girl wouldn't tell but i definatly think i was the fattest person there. I'm 5'11, so i know i'm going to weigh more than most of my friends but still, I AM WAY TOO FAT. My friend who's 5'9 weighs like 120 pounds..... naturally. i wish my body could be like hers, she has such a fast metabolism, she seriously eats a chocolate bar and candy everyday, all day and she doesn't excersize but she's still like that. Another one of my friends is around 5'5/5'6ish and weighs 95 pounds... i barely ever see her eat, but she's just like that. My friends make me want to be skinny so badly, just so i don't have to be embarassed anymore.

I'm having a little anxiety attack right now because i don't know what to do! Tomorow is a civies day (i go to a school with uniforms and a civies day is a day where we get to wear normal clothes) well, this sounds really stupid but i don't know what to wear! My problem is that our uniform is really baggy so i can hide all my hideous FAT but I have nothing at all to hide my fat butt now, all i have are jeans that make me look HUGE!!! I don't want to do, i don't want to go but i've already skipped one day this week and i don't want to fall behind too much ! I HATE it, I just want to disappear into nothingness. Its my own fault for procrastinating so much and thinking "oh one stupid bagel won't hurt me" WRONG!!! I don't want to go!!!!!! I don't want anyone to see me like this. I'm disgusting, i'm fat, i hate myself for letting my stupid binging go so far! PLEASE HELP ME! what should i do, i need to hide this fat and i don't have much to work with because i've refused to buy clothes until i drop at least a size or 2. I hope i get sick and throw up all my disgustingness all day tommorow. I wish i could just wake up tommorow and be 30 pounds lighter! i'm so stupid.

A quick update,
I'm doing the 2,4,6,8, diet and went over a little today because i had to eat dinner =( so about 250 calories.... I was so scared today, i had lost an email and my mom thought she could find it so she was looking everywhere, and she wanted to look in the search history, and i hadn't cleared it since last night. So i had to make up some excuse, saying that I thought i knew where to find it, and i checked my search history for anything and of coarse, this site was there about 8 times, as well as my LJ page, and everything else. I had to delete them all, it was so scary though, I don't knnow what i'd do if she found this.
good luck to the other person doing this with me!!!! i'm sorry i forgot your LJ!

You know those advent calenders with the little chocolates you get around christmas....
1320.6 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
85.35 grams of fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life would be so much better if i could just pretend certain people didn't exist. There's this guy i used to know, we were like brother and siser, i knew him for like 10 years, he seems totally happy pretending that i don't exist and getting other people to do the same. I don't know what i do, but every guy in my life i push away and i don't know how i do it. I start to let my guard down and care about someone, and they leave, story of my life. I hate what he does to me, i have some stupid deluded dream that if i make myself pretty enough they'll all come back, and when i come back to reality i get depressed like i am now.

I miss being thin sooooo much!!!!!
I miss being able to see my ribs through my shirt, I miss my hip bones sticking out, I miss my stomach being flat and defined. I keep on coming up with excuses not to be thin, trying to justify letting myself turn back into the fatass I am; have to eat in front of my friends, dont want anyone to suspect anything, oh i have to eat something today i have a test........... why does it even matter, getting fat hasn't done anything for me except make me even more depressed and self consious, i'm just too much of a lazy fatass to work at anything!. God I fail at everything. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to be like I used to be again, I don't know how I did it, but I can't go on eating like this. I have to lose at least 20 pounds to be remotly happy with myself...but I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just so stressed out, I hate school, I don;t want to be near anyone, I don't want to see my friends or all the people who just remind me of what i'm not. I need to lose this weight, i need to stick to a plan, and not let anyone get in the way,I have to do this for me.
I'm starting over
I'm 5'11
currently 143 pounds
my goal is to be 117 pounds.
Please help me, i just really need support!

i hate biology
i hate chemistry
i really really hate math!
i'm going to fail everything.

ummmmm.... i found this diet on a modelling site hence the heroin chic references.
looks good, i'm going to try it, i guess its pretty much the same as all the other low carb diets...
here it is if anyone else wants to try it

Healthy 3 week dieting Technique for a heroin chic look.
The goal of this diet is to achieve a heroin chic look quickly using a healthy and safe diet. Added benefits to this diet are a reduced amount of body fat, while maintaining muscle mass for a ?tone? look. Do not use this diet for more than 6 weeks. After that period you should re-introduce Carbs in the form of low glycemic foods such as oatmeal.
Key points to remember:
1. Protein every 3-4 hours
2. Don?t worry about fats. Your body will burn them as Ketones as long as the calories stay below 1600 a day for men and 1300 for women
3. No carbs with the exception of fiber (veggies and sugar free Metamucil)
4. House coffee only using Splenda and half/ half or soy for flavor.
5. Water, Water, Water, as always. Keep the glow!!
A sample day would look as follows:
Snack 1 ? Coffee and Egg whites with 20 grams Metamucil supplement
Snack 2 ? Low Carb protein Bar with fish oil caps
Snack 3 ? Chicken or Turkey Salad with low carb dressing and fish oil caps
Snack 4 ? Low Carb protein bar, 1oz of Almonds and steamed veggies
Snack 5 ? Low Carb protein shake with fish oil caps and 20 Grams Metamucil supplement.
Off limit foods:
Sugar, Oatmeal, fruits, cereal, bread, milk (except half/half in coffee), yogurt etc???..you get the idea. READ LABELS!!
You may feel hungry on this diet, but its only 3 weeks.

sick. tired. bored.
i hate biology

on the bright side i've only eaten like 10 baby carrots, a little potatoe, some cottage cheese, and a little yogurt, and i'm so sick that i can't keep anything in
yes, that's the bright side